Evil Dead remake.

I might be a little late on the boat with this one, but this morning, someone pointed me towards the red band trailer for the Evil Dead remake, viewable here:

Evil Dead 2013 trailer!

As you have possibly noticed, I am extremely sceptical around the area of remakes, or 're-imaginings' (as is the buzzword for 'atrocity'... obviously). The Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and it's hideous pillaging of what I consider to be some of the finest moments in the horror genre, was saved by the presence of Kyle Gallner and his speedos, Nispel's Texas Chainsaw Massacre lacked the teeth and the grime of the original, and please... I beg you... Don't make me think about the Friday 13th remake :(

So it was with a cynical sneer and a heart full of contempt that I approached this latest remake. The presence of Jane Levy and Shiloh Fernandez notwithstanding! The Evil Dead holds a very special place in my childhood memories, as possibly one of the first horror films I remember watching, with my older brother. Being quite a few years older than me, my Mum used to make him watch horror films in the living room with the door shut... So poor impressionable little Gray didn't get all traumatised and what not. Unbeknownst to Mummy, was the fact that if I merely pulled the netted dividing curtains next to the door just so... Being very careful not to pull the pins out of the wall and so alert the feds (or parents.. if you will), I could watch my brothers horror film to my hearts content. Parents were none the wiser and all was content.

Going into school the next day and while playing tag screeching "DEAD BY DAWN!!!!" while trying to catch the other children however, gave my game away somewhat. It was shortly after that meeting with the headteacher that my parents realised that whatever barrier they put between their sweet little blonde child and the horror genre, she would tear it down.

I know that a lot of fans of the original film have an issue with the fact that there is no Ash Williams character, one of the most iconic heroes of horror. But for a moment, think how much you would hate it if there was a new Ash, an Ash that wasn't Bruce Campbell and didn't tread that line of comedy and horror acting so finely as he. What if Ash was played by someone like... I dunno... Justin Timberlake or someone awful like that (No offence to Mr Timberlake... he is very good at what he does, which is shitty acting). I myself was one of those who scoffed at the castlist "What? No ASH?", and it was only this morning, while watching the face slicing, arterial spray-tastic trailer that I thought.... I don't want anyone else to be Ash. Ash is Bruce Campbell, Bruce Campbell is Ash and I would hate it if anyone else reprised that role.

Of course this could be another case of all the best parts of a horror film being in the trailer (Paranormal Activity, I'm looking at you here), and I will reserve final judgement until I see the finished product, but all in all a VERY promising peek!

Eden Lake (Dir. James Watkins, 2008)

Well... This might actually be a first (and last, hopefully) in my existence. I was sick in my mouth during a horror film.

Let me explain what happened....
At the moment I am in the final throes of my MA dissertation, my chosen subject area was the white trash monster and its persistence at times of conflict and in my final chapter I decided to compare the American 'white trash' to the British 'chav' in the way they are both a demonisation of the working class.

After being encouraged by some friends in the academic sphere I thought 'I'm a friggin' genius' and proceeded to watch (and in some cases, re-watch) the cream of the recent 'Hoodie Horror' cycle of films.

I had never watched Eden Lake before, but as it has Michael Fassbender (Who I believe is one of the greatest actors of our time) in it and seemed to tick my boxes in terms of blood shed, I thought I would give it a whirl.

Now that I have set the scene, let me draw you a picture of myself, mid way through the film.

It's not a pretty picture, it involves me holding my hand over my mouth, stomach in spasm as a boxcutter dances the light fantastic inside Michael Fassbender's mouth.

Eden Lake is possibly one of the most brutal and terrifying films I have ever seen. This is, you must keep in mind, from a girl that was thoroughly un-squicked by A Serbian Film, that laughed gayly at The Human Centipede (first and full sequence) and merely asked questions about the anatomical accuracy of the contents of an eyeball stalk when watching Hostel. I'm a hard cookie when it comes to horror. Please bear that in mind.

I think the reason why Eden Lake terrified me is that it is all so plausible, it is so realistic and could happen. Growing up on a council estate in North West London, these kids are the kids I knew. I think it is doubly frightening for me as not only did I know these kids, if my parents had not got the breaks that they did, I may well have been one of these kids, instead of my current identification alignment with the well to do couple, Jenn and Steve.

I think most people have been in the situation where they want to say something to a boy spitting in the street, or a group of kids with a big mean looking dog, pulling back the lead to make the dog rear up at you when you walk past with your fags clutched tightly to your chest at 11.00pm outside Spar, this film's resounding message was "Leave it, yeah?" (Lethal Bizzle, I salute you)

This is not to say I hate the film, or that it is in any way a 'bad' film. It is stunning in terms of it's cinematography, the young actors are superb (Especially Finn Atkins and the actor that was beaten by the 'Brett' character whose name escapes me... but kudos, young sir). This film was a strong contender for 'double cigarette at the end to calm down' award. I was left with a feeling of seething anger, a strong emotion that no film before has left me with. In short, I am glad people are making these films, but I will never sit through this one again.

Splinter (Dir. Toby Wilkins, 2008)

Born and bred Brit Toby Wilkins, known primarily for his work in the visual effects sphere presents us with Splinter, an ususual little film, that puts an interesting new spin on things.

Splinter focuses on an unlikely group of four, the first couple, the bookish PhD student, Seth and his outdoorsy girlfriend Polly, and the second couple, who Seth and Polly are carjacked by, strung out Lacey and her seemingly bad to the bone boyfriend, Dennis.

As Polly drives the criminal couple and poor, clumsy Seth to an unknown destination, decided on by Dennis, she hits something in the road. Lacey checks this out with Seth, and she believes it to be her dog, Ginger, who Dennis explains died quite a while ago. While changing a burst tyre, Dennis sticks his hand on a splinter and the foursome only just make it to a deserted gas station before the car completely overheats.

All this preamble is worth the wait for what occurs next. Turns out that weird splinter thing is a strange fungal viral deal, that infects you like blood poisoning and takes over the infected part of the body and spreads quickly throughout.

Sexy and gymnastic, huh?

Being a massive fan of The Thing, I really enjoyed the idea that each part of the infection worked as a separate consciousness, for the good of the whole, but capable of working on its own. A particularly nasty, but bloody fantastic scene occurs when an infected person/corpse tries to claw its way in, through the overnight cash deposit thingy. Ripping clean from it's bodily anchor, the arm scrapes its skin along the edge of the opening, tearing itself and leaving bloody shreds of flesh in its wake.

I thought this move was inspired, putting an interesting spin on both the body horror genre and the more recent influx of biohazard/contamination movies. The infected stagger around, bones a' poppin and blood a' oozin, trying to get their hands or toes or weird porcupine quills near our fearless three inside the gas station.
No, I guess it doesn't break any new ground that hasn't already been broken by The Thing or any 'infection' movie. But it was a throughly enjoyable film, enough nods to convention to be amusing, original slants and some pretty damn inventive ideas.

One of the only flaws in this film was the dialogue. I would have to watch the film again to discern if it was actually the dialogue, or the delivery that was my bugbear. Shea Whigham is given the best lines, which is to be expected really. He does deliver them so well :)

 I crush on Shea Whigham, Je Regrette Nien.

The charisma of Shea Whigham, as Dennis, is enough to carry the film alone. Now known for his part as Eli Thompson in Boardwalk Empire, this film was released a mere two years after his completely awesome and memorable turn as Eugene in Wristcutters: A Love Story (a film that I have quoted daily since seeing it). The transformation from gypsy punk bassplaying suicide victim to hard as nails redneck is astonishing.

All in all, if you are looking for something easy on the old grey matter, but a good, fun and gory ride all the same, you can't go wrong with Splinter.

Friday 13th: Horror Holiday!!!

Even though I am in the intense final throes of a 5,000 word essay, I thought it would be wrong to let Friday 13th go by without mentioning it at all.

Friday 13th is my favourite horror series. You can keep your Nightmare on Elm Streets and your Halloweens. Jason Voorhees is the masked serial killer for me. It's got me to thinking, on this most unholy of horror holidays, what is it about the masked drowning victim turned undead killing machine and his films that make me grin like a Cheshire cat when they are mentioned? Lets 'ave a butchers.

Exhibit A: Thom Mathews

First off, we can't discount the fact that Thom Mathews features in part six. Thom Mathews... let me count the fangirling ways. I think Mr. Mathews and his red puffy vest in Return of the Living Dead 2 may have been the moment I became aware of boys and how interesting they are... Him and Christian Slater as Jason Dean, but I digress.

Anyway, I defy anyone to show me a film with Thom Mathews in which isn't of the highest calibre of marvellousness (I don't think that is a word... bite me). To me, Thom Mathews reminds me of... nay... he embodies mid 1980s horror, and not only that but my favourite year for horror... 1986. The part of Tommy Jarvis was played  by three different actors (Thom, Corey Feldman and John Shepherd), Thom Mathews portrayal is the definitive version... Hell, Tommy Jarvis as played by Thom Mathews is the definitive cute good guy in any 1980s horror movie.

 Exhibit B: Jason is an utter BAMF

Keep your dream demons and keep your psychotic siblings, Mr Voorhees is just pure, unadulterated bad ass killing machine, not to mention, the tall, athletic and brooding type. Played by several actors, including Kane Hodder (also known for Hatchet), Jason Voorhees is the personification of big, strong and psychotic. But I feel that the aspect that adds that little extra to Jason, is something his counterparts Freddy and Michael just don't have. Namely, I've always felt a little sorry for Jason.

After all, his death came about from the incompetence of camp councillors that were meant to be looking after him. Poor Jason drowned in Crystal Lake while his counsellors made out/got drunk/smoked weed/went skinny dipping. He goes through such a myriad of life stages and events. To be precise: hermit, axe in the head, dead, reanimated, bestowed with a copycat killer, reanimated by electricity, dead again, reanimated again this time through telekinesis, dragged to the bottom of a lake by a ghost... reanimated again with electricity again... Um... transformed into a child by toxic waste, dragged to hell, CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN, and ejected into space. That's not counting the Freddy Vs Jason crossover or the re imagining....

I'm slightly ashamed that I knew all that without referring to anything but my brain. Only slightly though.

And what's more is that Jason was never intended to carry the film as a protagonist... Got through on his looks, blatantly.

Exhibit C: The Kills

Yeah, I know that Freddy had that awesome marionette grossness going on in The Dream Warriors but come on! Who killed Kevin Bacon by shoving a knife through a mattress and through his throat while he is laying there in a post coitus daze? Jason, that's who. Honourable mentions also go to Cort's RV/Alice Cooper themed death in Part 6 (you can tell which part is my favourite right?), Rick's eye popping (Lulz... oh the lulz) swan song in Part 3 (seen in 3D, its just... filmic poetry) and Trey's death in Freddy Vs Jason.


I am leaving one of the best deaths out because it is worthy of its own exhibit....

Exhibit D: Crispin Hellion Glover.

I don't think I have to explain this one. I'll break it down for you... Crispin Glover, dancing (type it into youtube... wow), "Ted where's the corkscrew!". Le fin.